


45 drafts

by funkopop



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Chat Fic But Not Really, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, i mean texting plays a part in it but, ryujis on some gay ass shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 21:56:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12351339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkopop/pseuds/funkopop
Summary: would you like to send this message?or, alternatively, texts ryuji has never sent.





	45 drafts

**Author's Note:**

> i'm coping

**ryuji:** hey  


that's the first message in his drafts for akira. ryuji can instantly tell its from when they first met and he had his panties all in a twist over how he should approach their first text after switching numbers.  


he thinks its kinda funny now, honestly. that just "hey" was something enough compared to all the shit that he hasn't sent since then. "hey" was the simplest of it.  
  
  
like now. now's an example. because right now he's on his bullshit. he really needs to send something to akira, and can't really decide how to word it exactly. he's just piling up the drafts.  


**ryuji:** dude u kinda really saved my life jhsjaahbab  


that's a bit much.  
  
46 drafts.  
 

what he's trying to say is simple. akira turned shit around for him. he wants to let him know how he feels, is all. but it's harder than he cares to admit.  


**ryuji:** idk man like..b4 u wdre around i was just a lost cause. i mighta just dropped out or smth fr  


hm.   
  
47 drafts.  
 

it's true. but he really shouldn't say it, he thinks. but before akira it was hopeless. things weren't going so well for him. everything had gone to shit. he was only in school anymore for his mom's sake. he couldn't--cant--let his mom down.  


**ryuji** : evrything sucked dude!!! my dad only just left..kamoshida started beating the shit out of us..i fought back...ppl started hatin on me  
  
**ryuji:** hurt a lot more than i let on. if theres one thing my dad taught me while he was arnd was not to show shit hurts. shit thing to teach ur kid tho  


too heavy.  
  
49 drafts.  


akira doesn't need his whole tragic backstory via text messaging. but shit hurts. ryuji is still getting a hang of the whole "showing your emotions" shit. after years of having that beat out of you, it gets pretty hard. he's trying, and now that he has akira...  


**ryuji:** after getting my ass beat for so long..you..  
  
**ryuji:** u gave me...smth i rlly needed..i guess?  
  
**ryuji:** security?.love? ? acceptance?  


too corny.  
  
52 drafts.  


it's too corny when you put it into words. but it's the truth.   
  
not to say his mom didn't provide love…or safety…or whatever. but akira gave it in a way that was super different.  
  
with akira he felt like he belonged somewhere. it's cliche as fuck, but akira felt like home. akira felt like how it felt after you've had a shit day but you went home and your mom made your favourite meal. akira felt like curling up next to your favourite person on a cold gloomy day. akira felt like the comfort someone like him needed after years of never fitting in. akira felt like freedom. akira felt like...  


love?  
  
no.  
  
...yes?  


**ryuji:** dude. you make me think abt things ive neve once considered  


that's a bit vague.  
  
53 dr--  


_message successfully sent?  
_

ryuji has always been kinda cautious of swearing outloud, but really, this warranted nothing more than a real loud--  
  
" _FUCK!_ "   
  
"Ryuji? Language!" is his mothers muffled response from wherever she is in the house. he shouts back an embarrassed _sorry ma!_    


then he collapses into his pillow and mumbles a softer fuck.  


his phone lights up. ryuji sakamoto mumbles fuck a third time.  


**akira:** Are we sharing our innermost thoughts? Like the dirty ones?  
  
**akira:** You didn't hear it here but skeletons are kinda hot  
  
**ryuji:** dude no What. akira tf?????  
  
**ryuji:** i sent that by accident but it was nthn dirty omfg  
  
**akira:** That was a joke btw.   
  
**akira:** But now youve got me all curious. U wanna spill?  
  
  
throughout the course of this night, ryuji sakamoto has mumbled fuck four whole times. not his personal best, but considering in a row? that's pretty high up.  


on one hand, he wants to spill. he's been trying to work up the courage to send a text, and now ones been sent. Go with it then.  


but putting thoughts into words is hard. he doesn't want to say the wrong things, and scare him off. doesn't wanna say too much, and start crying either. there's gotta be a balance, and he ain't that good at math. or physics. whichever. he's not good at it either way.  


ryuji utters his fifth fuck of the night when he decides fuck it.  


**ryuji:** i was just thinkin abt how much u changed shit  
  
**akira:** Only thing Ive changed since night is my underwear  
  
**ryuji:** ababaajajna quit jokin around im serious  
  
**ryuji:** befre u stuff kinda sucked. and now u came n i have friends n shit and a place where i belonh  
  
**akira:** You could've gotten all that without me  
  
**ryuji:** dont play humble cuz u kno it aint true.  
  
**ryuji:** for a long while i was just gettin my ass handed to me  
  
**ryuji:** and now i have u...and im gettin love handed to me  
  
**ryuji:** n what im tryin to say is i think..after everything...i deserve a lil love dammit  
  
**akira:** You do  
  
**akira:** You deserve so many good things ryuji  
  
**akira:** And if i was the one who gave them to you then I'm both mad and glad  
  
**akira:** Mad cause it took so long for you to get them, and glad because you finally got them  


ryuji feels his heart beat a little faster at that. it's one thing saying it to yourself over and over that you deserve good things in an attempt to believe it, and a whole other thing hearing someone you really care for say it.  


he doesn't wanna cry. but he damn well might.  


**ryuji:** dude  
  
**ryuji:** its weied hearin u say it  
  
**akira:** Why are you booing me? I'm right  
  
**ryuji:** im not booing you fool  
  
**ryuji:** you..make me feel really good  
  
**ryuji:** like..free..ive said this before  
  
**ryuji:** i dont rlly get it tho  
  
**ryuji:** i dont get y  
  
**akira:** Ryuji  
  
**akira:** I love you so fucking much  


and all of a sudden, it just comes crashing down.  


ryuji gets it. he gets why everything about akira feels so right. he gets why he feels so much like home. why he feels like he belongs when he's with akira.   


and he gets why lately, everything about akira has stood out. why he's been so attractive lately. why morgana rolled his eyes that time he asked akira why he seemed different...prettier. it wasn't a fucking haircut. _duh._  


he likes him. akira. that's a lot to take in. he's not even sure he's finished chewing it, let alone start digesting it.   


there's a whole lot he has to think about now that this information has come to light. but right now, he doesnt really care.  


ryuji opens his draft. scrolls all the way up to a particular one from a night of really bad, confusing feelings. a night he didn't send anything.  


_would you like to send this message?_  
  
yes.  


**ryuji:** i love you so much  
  
**akira:** I love you too  


51 drafts.

**Author's Note:**

> sjkhdfjkhjkhdfjdkf i'm still fucking coping  
> sorry if the spacing is kinda weird idk how to work ao3 so bear w me
> 
> also i wrote this at 12am and im not a good writer so dont laugh at me or ill publish a shitty 10k word crack fic that's not even funny.


End file.
